A while back, my mother and I had a talk about her upbringing, and about the concept of generational cycles. She and her baby sister had lost their mother at a very young age, and were put into the care of their grandmother instead. While there were many bright, glimmering spots in her childhood, it also came with doubt, fear, and crippling insecurity.
Rather than being a safe haven for the girls to grow up happy and loved, there were shadows in which emotionally abusive patterns began to emerge. Her grandmother made it clear that one child was preferred over the other, creating a feeling of rivalry with her sister and abandonment by her grandmother. There was a lot of suffering in that house.
Over the years my mother spent in her care, she experienced very toxic models for behavior, ones that took her a long time to notice were even there. Once she learned to recognize them, she realized she had been carrying echoes of them with her into her own relationships, and it shaped her interactions in ways she didn’t like, and has been able to make better choices that come from her more aware and loving nature.
Breaking these generational cycles can be a tough process. Actions stemming from these can be subtle—so subtle that it’s hard to see them for what they are. A toxic upbringing can later manifest in dependence, pushing others away, or seeking of approval from those who, due to their own nature, may never give you the confirmation you need.
If that sounds like you, you’re not powerless! You can break out of the pattern. Taking a long, honest look at the things you are seeing and working through them can help you move forward with grace and love, spreading those good feelings to those around you. Here are some ideas to get you started:
Take time to examine the things you want to change.
Writing them down and seeing them laid out in front of you is a great place to start. Meditation through self-reflection is one option. Journaling can be truly powerful if that’s more your style. I recommend having something visual to look at; the clearer you make your goals, the better.
Once you identify the problems in a clear way, you can explore avenues for change and growth. Asking questions and approaching things in new ways can tease out the snags and help you trace the origins of what you want to change, so you can know why they happened and how to avoid them.
The game I designed is especially helpful for these issues; it prompts you into looking from new angles and provides direction for tackling issues when you feel lost or stuck. Sometimes all we need is a helping hand to get to the heart of the matter, and Soul Life Treasure Hunt does just that.
Another great way of identifying the roots of these generational cycles is by creating something called a genogram, which is a visual aid similar to a family tree. The major difference is that it also provides a wealth of information about the family’s emotional relationships to each other, mapped out in a simple, straightforward way. Upon making this, you will be able to physically point at a place on the genogram and say, “There. That’s where this started.” This article gives a great breakdown of how to create your own, step by step.
Seek out examples of positive ways of living.
Although you may not have been given a good framework for living within your own family, there are plenty of resources to be had to help you along. Perhaps you had a friend growing up who had a healthy family dynamic—what cues can you take from their parent/parents?
Do you have friends who are parents themselves? If so, how do they treat their children, and how do their kids respond to it?
It may sound like an obvious step, but knowing what to look for can make all the difference.
Also, just having some open-minded discussions with those close to you about the things you struggle with may open new avenues and uncover support systems you may not have known you have. Reach out to those you find inspiring or can see your situation objectively. Secondhand insights can be powerful.
Read things that inspire you to healthier means of communication.
Countless articles, books, and blog posts have been written about moving forward from trauma and finding yourself and your personal truths amid your struggles.
Don’t have time to read a full book? Try an audiobook. Audible.com is a fantastic resource, and often the narration in self-help books feel like talking to an old friend. I highly recommend them.
If you prefer bite-size bits of information over your morning coffee or on your commute to work, try podcasts. There are some amazing psychology podcasts out there covering topics just like this. I also do Facebook live videos covering topics like these myself!
Remember, the things you do are entirely within your control, and you can find a wonderful path back to love. You can be gentler and kinder than the people who came before you, breaking those generational cycles into clear avenues for health and happiness. I find myself so thankful for taking the time to do this myself, cutting the cord of depending on others’ approval of me and learning to stand in my own light, not in my family’s pain-filled shadows.
My prayer for all who are navigating the rocky shoreline of family relationships is that you will also discover a wonderful gift guiding you toward your unique strengths, being encouraged stand in your own light of truth rather than buried by past generations of mistakes and suffering.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and hear your methods of breaking free of your own internal battles. Feel free to leave a comment below!