What do you think of when you hear the words, “setting boundaries”?

Is it a positive or negative thing to you?

People may assume they are sharp lines you only set for problematic people in your life. Some only lay them down when they are at a boiling point, and this manifests as an explosion of anger or a cutoff of contact.

However, boundaries can be wonderfully healthy, necessary things to have even among your loved ones. They are a clear definition of your values and what you need to maintain happy relationships.

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Boundaries can be defined as taking responsibility for your own actions and emotions, while not taking responsibility for the actions and emotions of others.

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This is somewhat easier to do with people you don’t know, such as someone who invades your personal space or asks a question you’re not comfortable answering.

It gets a little trickier with people you know and love.

For example…

A while back, a friend of mine posted on Facebook about some trouble she was having with her family.

Their style of communicating with her were not always productive or helpful, and so their comments and ways of treating her ended up causing her a lot of pain as she went through life. This continued for over 25 years, where judgment and negativity reared up constantly, draining her of energy and leaving her feeling like she’d failed unseen tests they were setting for her.

Everything changed when she had an epiphany: they were freely saying and doing what they wanted because boundaries hadn’t been set.

Their need to interfere and prod into her life was eclipsing her own needs and happiness. After realizing this, she decided to set herself free from their scrutiny and find her own path, letting go of the responsibility of satisfying them.

This post stuck with me, because I had experienced something quite similar just last year. Last fall, a family member and I had some conflict as well, where her comments about me started as mildly critical but grew into sharp, direct personal attacks, clearly meant to hurt. At first these things did affect me, because I had given her the power to do so. Her words cut deeply, and I was so frustrated and angry that I had let myself feel that way.

Eventually, though, I had had enough and took the time to set her aside in my heart and mind. Part of the reason she said these things was stemming from a need she had within herself, a need that had nothing to do with me. So when I stopped allowing her to criticize me, I was writing a love letter to myself saying, “You are more than enough. Your worth does not depend on what this person thinks of you.”

With that, that line was drawn around the fortress in my mind and my heart was set. I felt so much clearer and lighter.

Not even three days later, she called me to apologize for the way she had behaved. This was a complete surprise, as it was the first time she had done so with anyone in our family. This phone call was such a blessing to me. It eased my heart, showing me that our relationship did not have to be one based on criticism and hurt. With the help of clear boundaries, we could move forward in a positive way.

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I had decided to prioritize and preserve my emotional health, and everyone benefited from it.

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This is a lesson I have taken with me in several other points in my life, and have noticed things get easier. I can breathe easier. My confidence is not attached to the criticisms of others. I have been astounded by this gem of wisdom, one that seems so simple but can make life so complicated without it. I can stand up in my own power and protect my light.

Enforcing these boundaries can also be a great thing for the other person. If you let them behave how they want to around you even if it hurts you or drags you down, he or she may never know there is a problem at all. Bringing a trouble area to their attention can be a gentle wake-up call that something needs to be worked on internally.

It’s such a positive thing that goes both ways. If there’s something I wasn’t aware of myself, then there’s a shifting inside of me as well, knowing that this is a gift for me when others wake me up.

Once you get into the habit of spotting places that need boundaries, you might start noticing them everywhere. Whether it’s not allowing another person to call so often or realizing that you yourself ask too much of someone else, it’s important to recognize where our lives overlap.

We are all on our own personal journeys, and sometimes they bump into each other a bit.

If you have had an experience like mine, I would love to hear your story. Go ahead and leave a message in the comments below!

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