“Toughen up.”
“Get stronger.”
“Stop letting things get you down.”
I used to hear this all the time. Sometimes I still hear it.
For me, it takes a conscious effort not to take things personally. I am hardwired to trust people’s opinions of me, and so when faced with negative criticism, my mind immediately assumes the other person knows something I don’t.
If someone points out something they don’t like about me, I’ll brush it off in person, but chances are that comment will stay lodged in the back of my mind, ready to surface the moment I have a minute of self-doubt.
Sometimes it would only take one comment or one bad thing happening to thoroughly rain on my parade and count the day as a loss. My car broke down, or my partner was sharp with me? Yep, the universe was not with me today.
As it turns out, part of feeling these things so deeply came from me being a Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP for short. About 20% of people fall into this category, and it is completely normal. It was learning what to do with this information that made all the difference.
It took quite a lot of soul searching (with a lot of help from my game!) to realize that many of these things I believed about myself had nothing to do with me at all.
Sometimes they were a reflection of what a person saw in themselves and projected onto me. Sometimes it was a misinterpretation of my actions, observed by someone who didn’t know me well. Sometimes it was just someone having a bad day.
The external pressures from my husband, for example, were in part his personal things to work through. I could take note of what he was saying, and examine it on my own time, but I didn’t have to take the words as absolute truth until I had the chance to study them for myself.
I did not have to be responsible for others’ perceptions. Their opinions didn’t have to define me. Letting go of that was hard, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but overcoming that was one of the best feelings in the world.
Stepping back and seeing the bigger picture can really help.
Looking at things objectively can be hard when you’re so close to the situation. Taking a minute to consider how important this issue is in the grand scheme of things can help safeguard your feelings and avoid the emotional gut punch of things going wrong.
Will this matter tomorrow? In a week? In a month? In a year? Place a value on that, and decide how much emotional energy you feel it’s worth. If it won’t matter at all by tomorrow or next week, consider letting it go.
Forgive yourself when you do see mistakes.
There were times I lashed out at the unfairness of being treated differently than I treated the other person. Or, sometimes a person is trying to bring attention to something valid, and it’s easier to shut down and take things defensively rather than be receptive. At certain points, I have had to forgive myself for my humanness. No one handles things perfectly all of the time.
Try not to dwell too much on past missteps; simply note that they happened, recognize what can be taken from the experience, and celebrate when you handle it differently the next time!
You will occasionally have your emotions triggered. That is OKAY. Move through it with flow as quickly as possible. Apologize where you need to and restore what you can with forgiveness.
Mistakes can be a blessing. Through them, I started to figure out how to communicate in meaningful ways using the language of love the other understood. Which brings us to…
Sometimes adapting the way you communicate with each other is all it takes.
Taking the time to look at it from the other’s perspective can help you see what’s happening in new ways. Found yourself in a fight with a family member? Look at it as a third party. What motivations does each person have? What is making them feel so strongly? Is it coming from a place of love?
Understanding how the other person communicates means you can choose your response to it in a way that moves you both forward. Would compassion dissolve some of the tension? Would blunt, direct speaking be more effective so that each viewpoint is clearly expressed?
This doesn’t mean changing yourself; rather, it is just finding a way to speak your truth in a way that works for the matter at hand. Love has many dialects and ways of coming through our senses, and when you figure out how to speak it along with guiding others to learn to speak yours, amazing things can happen.
Set boundaries when the words are no longer helpful.
The next thing I learned was staying true to my heart’s guidance for knowing how I would love to be treated. By recognizing that and holding others to it, it did eventually change the world around me.
The gem in standing strong in what you know and want to experience in relationships is similar to the old adage “iron sharpens iron.” Learning to stand in your power is likewise sharpening the sword of steel, smoothing the rough edges to become a finer instrument, one that no longer needs to be so blunt and forcefully used to hack through the jungles of life.
Sometimes a conversation stops being productive and starts being damaging when the intent changes from loving to a battle of wills in a desire to be right. You have the right to stand your ground and lay down boundaries.
You may also need to create a space of patience, allowing the free will of another to do them as you do you. Setting a bubble around you so you can separate from needless pain and suffering can be part of self care. Being in the world of diversity without being part of all its cruelty is a choice we all make.
Your feelings are treasures, and that can mean choosing who gets to affect you.
These don’t have to be confrontations! Often there are healthy, gentle ways to do this. We have some tips for doing this in a positive way here.
Celebrate your sensitivity!
It’s also so important to note that being a person who feels things deeply can also be a wonderful thing! While hurt and worry can be amplified, you can also experience things like joy and excitement that much more. You are more perceptive of the world around you, and have a great capacity for recognizing kindness, compassion, and patience. Harnessing that power can bring you so many gifts in life.
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Our greatest teachers can also be our harshest critics. The purpose is for us to bring in harmony as we balance out the extremes. The more intense the situation, the greater the gift will be when we discover the love behind the motivations.
Communication is key as we use our voice to renegotiate terms for better living, and establish where the lines are in the relationship and how they are to be respected for peace to reign. You got this!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Feel free to leave a comment down below!
Want a fun and insightful way to explore this idea? We’ve created a game called Soul Life Treasure Hunt, specifically designed to help you navigate the tough challenges in life. See what it’s all about here!